It was July 17 (Monday), when I finally had the courage to let go of one of the most important aspects I treasure the most. It was hard and I am still hurting at the moment; admittedly, one month after, I am still feeling various emotions and I have been holding off facing acknowledging them. Usually, writing has been my escape whenever I have a lot of thoughts in my head, but until recently, I found myself evading it because maybe I am just too scared to put it into words… but then I know eventually, I would have to.
Who would have thought that we will be ending the relationship that we’ve built for almost ten years? Who would have thought that things are not okay and apparently, we cannot save the relationship? Who would have thought that in the end, I will be left alone and broken?
Had I known earlier, maybe the situation could have been different, maybe it could have been better. Siguro, hindi ka naunang sumuko. Siguro naayos pa.
Had we been honest in the first place and have an open communication, we would not have been too much affected with those unsolicited advices from strangers or friends who probably know a small fraction of our real relationship.
Had we been better in the relationship, maybe things are still fine and we’re on the right track while still saving our individuality and differences. But cliché as it may seem, some good things must truly come to an end, I guess.
While you’re at your own, reaching one goal over another, discovering yourself one place at a time… here I am patiently waiting for you to go home and still long for me. Here I am distracting myself into thinking that all these is just a phase and we will be okay – that you’ll still be in love with me and that I am still a part of the future that you’re building. But then, actions speak louder than words and I am a fool by still believing those things when I know you cannot commit and too afraid to.
Inasmuch as I wanted to hold-on and fight for the relationship, it just cannot be one-sided. I can feel the sadness, the relentless thoughts, the silences have been uncomfortable, things were now different. Inasmuch as I wanted to love you more and continue to be better and make-up for those moments, you’re unable to appreciate and see them all. I have also been trying – I have been trying ever since that conversation but then, inadvertently, I saw you slipping yourself and zoning out away from me. It pains me to think that you don’t love me the way that you do and it pains me more how you’re happier without me. Inasmuch as I wanted to go on and make life with you, I cannot do so knowing that you are not on board.
Inasmuch as I love you, I also love myself that I need to let go because I have been losing my self-worth and I have been doubting myself already.
You may have given up on me but I know that I cannot give up on myself.
Kaya sa pagkakataong ito, pinipili ko ang sarili ko. Papanindigan ko ang sarili ko.
Kahit masakit, susubukan ko pa ring magpatuloy.
I need to regain my self-worth.
